Saint Hickolas welcomes The Best Kid Ever Born!

WELCOME TO THE WORLD Kiddo. Welcome to this crazy, scary, confusing, most amazing, awe inspiring, beautiful place that is now your home. While you are living here there are a couple of non-negotiable truths that I would like to share with you. Number One, you get what you give. Always. Number Two....THERE AIN'T NO DAMN SANTA CLAUS.

Now I realize (seeing how you was just born) that all you want right now is to be held and fed but what I'm about to tell ya is REAL important and I need you to listen REAL GOOD to good ol' Saint Hickolas.

Someday soon, your parents will mistake you for a complete idiot and they will expect you to believe that a four hundred pound old ass man in a red suit with abnormally high CO2 levels, the gout and an enlarged prostate can actually fit his fat flabby ass, sagging balls and future landfill stash into a 28 square inch hole. To add to this insult, your parents will also have you to believe their preposterous stories of flying reindeer and some highly evolved dwarfs that have the ability to construct a computer chip capable of processing over 100 billion instructions per second as well as a three story Barbie Dream House. Talented little fuckers aren't they?

Don't buy it. Don't even PRETEND to buy that shit.

Listen to me, good ol' Saint Hickolas...

Your parents, they are probably fine people but have simply fallen victim to what we call the "herd mentality". The Herd says that the lies they tell you are harmless and even have a magical quality to them. The Herd says that there is merit in putting a stuffed Elf on a Shelf to taunt, threaten and manipulate you into doing and saying what they believe are all the proper things to do and say. The Herd doesn't question WHY they are saying what they say nor WHY they are doing what they do; they just say and do what has always been said and done.

What I am suggesting is that YOU can help THEM to narrow the cosmic gap that lies between all the shit that they SAY they believe and all the shit that they in fact DO. Like for example, saying that they believe it is wrong to lie and then, well, actually lying.

Call their bluff, Kid. You are not the fool and it is not necessary for you to act like one just so you can acquire a bunch of crappy ass toys. Your parents are using those toys and gadgets as bargaining chips but you are not required to play that game with them. Lies and fear tactics are not necessary to turn you into a nice kid because you ALREADY ARE ONE!!

Ask for the truth and you might just get it but first you must be willing to give it.

Merry Christmas!

Your Friend for Life,

Saint Hick