Merry On The Shelf

What would it be like if we put Merry On The Shelf instead of that pea brained Elf?

Merry On The Shelf wants to protect you from that soul sucking, life draining, espionage agent. The outfit is ridiculous too BTW.

The Elf is a liar and a bully whose job is to threaten and punish you for being exactly what you are....A KID. Eventually, when the moths are feasting on the insides of that jackass fairy, he will have taught you exceedingly well how to chastise and punish yourself. Thanks for that (asshole).

Merry would never threaten to sabotage your Christmas morning just because you made a few poor choices. No, she isn't going to plant visions of your little kid self watching from afar as everyone but you opens their gifts on this glorified day of mindless consumerism (made to look like a religious holiday). Mary would never threaten to humiliate you in such a horrible way in order to stop you from hitting your sister or from throwing a temper tantrum at the checkout counter. She knows that you will spend the rest of your life wanting to throw conniption fits and feeling the urge to lay some people out (even though they totally deserve it). Merry will help you learn to to navigate those uncertain times by building you up, not by tearing you down because she understands that when goodness and mercy become acts of self-preservation rather than a natural state of being then what becomes of it are pious and self-righteous grownups.

The Innocent become the sanctimonious and The Elf unwittingly becomes a way of life. Threats of violence, deprivation and straight up exclusion become parenting skills to be honed and mastered. There is not much I can think of more heartbreaking.

Merry is no Messiah but for sure, The Elf is The Devil reincarnate.

MHC

25 December 2021